Affairs are one of the most painful and complex challenges a relationship can face. The discovery of infidelity often brings intense feelings of betrayal, anger, and grief, leaving both partners wondering how things got to this point. The aftermath can feel like an emotional earthquake—shaking the foundation of trust and leaving behind uncertainty about the future of the relationship.
But why do affairs happen in the first place? Despite common assumptions, it’s not always about dissatisfaction or a failing relationship. In her insightful book State of Affairs, renowned author and psychotherapist Esther Perel explores the deeper emotional and psychological forces that drive infidelity. Understanding these underlying reasons can help couples not only make sense of what happened but also begin the process of healing and rebuilding trust. To note, these reasons do not suggest that the affair is ok, or acceptable. Inherently, affairs are a breach of the contract of the partners in a relationship, but, greater understanding can help make a little bit of sense of the hurt.
Let’s explore why affairs happen, how therapy can help couples process and recover, and why healing is possible even after betrayal.
Why Do Affairs Happen?
Affairs are often viewed through a moral lens—wrong, selfish, unforgivable. But Perel encourages us to move beyond judgment and explore the deeper emotional drivers behind infidelity. Affairs are not necessarily a symptom of a bad relationship; rather, they reflect unmet emotional needs, individual struggles, and a desire for something more.
1. Seeking Lost Parts of Ourselves
Perel explains that infidelity is often not about rejecting a partner—it’s about reclaiming lost parts of oneself. People who cheat are not always looking for someone new; they’re often looking for a version of themselves they’ve lost within the routines and responsibilities of long-term relationships.
👉 A person may feel they’ve become more of a parent or roommate than a romantic partner.
👉 They may crave spontaneity, adventure, or excitement that’s missing from their day-to-day life.
👉 An affair can feel like a way to reconnect with youthfulness, passion, or a sense of possibility.
It’s not necessarily that something is wrong with the relationship—it’s that the person is trying to reconnect with a forgotten part of themselves.
2. Escape from Emotional Pain
Infidelity can also be a way of coping with personal struggles such as:
✔️ Low self-esteem
✔️ Depression or anxiety
✔️ Feelings of inadequacy
An affair can feel like a way to feel desirable, important, or valued when someone is struggling internally. The attention and emotional connection from a new person can feel like a temporary relief from inner pain.
3. Desire for Novelty and Risk
Humans are wired for both security and novelty. Long-term relationships provide stability and comfort, but they can also lead to feelings of monotony or emotional dullness.
👉 An affair introduces mystery, excitement, and uncertainty.
👉 The secrecy and risk involved create an intense emotional charge that can feel addictive.
👉 It’s not always about dissatisfaction with a partner—it’s about the thrill of doing something forbidden.
4. Feeling Unseen or Undervalued
Sometimes, affairs arise when a person feels emotionally disconnected from their partner.
➡️ They may feel like they’re living parallel lives rather than truly connecting.
➡️ Their emotional bids for attention may go unanswered.
➡️ They may feel lonely even while in a relationship.
In these cases, an affair becomes a way to feel seen, valued, and emotionally supported. The person engaging in the affair may not be trying to hurt their partner—they may be trying to fill a painful emotional void.
5. Opportunity and Lack of Boundaries
Sometimes affairs happen simply because the opportunity presents itself, and/or there aren’t clear boundaries in place.
- Emotional closeness with a coworker
- Rekindling a connection with an old flame
- Casual flirting that escalates over time
Without clear personal and relational boundaries, these situations can turn into emotional or physical affairs even when the person didn’t intend for it to happen.
How Therapy Can Help Couples Heal After an Affair
Affairs can feel like the end of a relationship—but they don’t have to be. With intentional effort and professional support, couples can not only heal from infidelity but also emerge stronger, more connected, and more emotionally aware.
1. Creating a Safe Space for Honest Communication
The first step in healing is creating a safe, judgment-free space where both partners can express their feelings openly. Therapy provides a structured environment where difficult conversations can be held with the guidance of a professional.
💬 The partner who was betrayed needs space to express their anger, hurt, and confusion.
💬 Eventually, when the hurt has been heard, the partner who had the affair may need the space to explain what led to their choices without fear of immediate condemnation.
A therapist helps regulate these conversations, ensuring that both partners feel heard and respected.
2. Understanding the Meaning Behind the Affair
Therapy helps couples move beyond the surface-level betrayal and explore the deeper emotional meaning behind the affair:
✔️ What emotional needs were being met through the affair?
✔️ What was missing from the relationship?
✔️ What patterns were present before the affair began?
Understanding the “why” behind the infidelity allows both partners to address underlying relationship dynamics rather than just focusing on the affair itself.
3. Rebuilding Trust
Trust is not rebuilt overnight. Therapy provides practical tools to rebuild trust over time:
✅ Establishing consistent transparency and honesty
✅ Setting healthy boundaries
✅ Creating rituals of connection and emotional closeness
A therapist helps both partners feel emotionally secure again by guiding them through this process step-by-step.
4. Reconnecting Emotionally and Physically
Infidelity often creates a deep emotional rift. Therapy helps couples reconnect emotionally and physically by:
- Encouraging open emotional vulnerability
- Exploring each partner’s love languages and emotional needs
- Gradually rebuilding physical intimacy in a way that feels safe and consensual
Through intentional effort, couples can rediscover emotional safety and closeness.
5. Creating a New Relationship Model
An affair often signals that the old relationship structure was not working.
➡️ Therapy helps couples create a new relationship model that reflects each partner’s needs, desires, and boundaries.
➡️ Instead of trying to recreate the past, couples are encouraged to design a relationship dynamic that feels more balanced, supportive, and fulfilling.
The goal is not just to “fix” what was broken—but to build something better and more emotionally sustainable.
You Deserve Healing and Connection
Infidelity can feel like an irreparable wound, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. With professional support and intentional effort, you and your partner can heal, rebuild trust, and create a more connected and emotionally fulfilling relationship.
📅 If you’re struggling with the impact of an affair, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Book a free consultation with me online today, and let’s take the first step toward healing together.
