When most people think of miscarriage, their thoughts understandably turn to the mother. She is the one carrying the pregnancy and experiencing the physical toll. She often becomes the emotional focus of family and community support. But behind the scenes, there is another person who may also be grieving deeply, quietly, and invisibly. That person is the father.
Fathers experience miscarriage too. They are part of the pregnancy, the planning, the hopes, and the loss. Yet their grief is often overlooked. It is not because their loss is any less significant, but because our culture tends to frame miscarriage as a woman’s experience alone. As a therapist who works with individuals and couples, I regularly hear from men who feel they had no space to process their grief or even acknowledge it.
A compelling study by Wagner, Vaughn, and Tuazon explores this topic in depth. Their research interviewed 11 fathers whose partners experienced miscarriage before the 24th week of pregnancy. The study revealed powerful insights into what men go through when pregnancy ends early, including how they process grief, how they view their role, and what kind of support they need.
This post explores those findings and what they mean for fathers, couples, and anyone offering support after loss.
Fatherhood Often Begins Before Birth
For many men, becoming a father is not something that starts at the delivery room. It often begins the moment they learn they are expecting a child. These men begin imagining their role as a dad, thinking about their child’s future, and preparing to support a new life. The idea of fatherhood becomes part of how they see themselves.
In the study, fathers described deeply meaningful expectations around becoming a parent. They talked about teaching life lessons, offering protection, and guiding a child through life. Fatherhood, for many of them, was not just a role but a calling. So when the pregnancy ended in miscarriage, it was not just the loss of a pregnancy. It was the loss of a dream, of a new identity, and of a relationship that had already begun in their hearts.
One father said, “I didn’t do such a good job there. I didn’t protect her that well, because she ended up losing the baby.” Even though many fathers intellectually understood that miscarriage was out of their control, they still carried a sense of guilt or failure. This reflects a common theme in masculine roles around protection and responsibility, which can make grief even more complicated.
When Does a Pregnancy Become a Person?
Another key theme in the study was how fathers formed emotional connections to the pregnancy. Many of the men said their sense of attachment began when they saw an ultrasound, heard a heartbeat, or started planning for the baby’s arrival. Activities like choosing a name, setting up a nursery, or imagining future milestones made the pregnancy feel real.
For fathers who felt the pregnancy was already a person, the miscarriage was experienced as the death of a child. Their grief was intense and personal. One father said that hearing the heartbeat made it all feel “real” and that after that moment, he felt he was already a father.
Other fathers, particularly those earlier in the pregnancy or with different beliefs about when life begins, described the experience differently. They did not always feel the same level of attachment, which did not mean they were unaffected, but their grief looked and felt different. This highlights the wide range of responses that fathers may have and reinforces the idea that there is no single “right” way to grieve.
Where and How the Miscarriage Happens Matters
The study also found that the setting of the miscarriage significantly shaped the fathers’ experiences. For some, the miscarriage happened in a hospital setting, where there was some sense of structure and medical care. Fathers described feeling comforted when the medical staff showed compassion and allowed for privacy. One father said the hospital kept them in a separate part of the ward, away from crying babies and new parents, which helped protect their emotional well-being.
For others, the miscarriage occurred at home, often unexpectedly. These experiences were often much more graphic, raw, and emotional. One father described holding his tiny son in his hand, noticing every small feature, and realizing in that moment the depth of what had been lost. These personal and visceral memories often stayed with the fathers for years.
Regardless of the setting, the emotional impact was powerful. Some fathers found comfort in medical professionals who took their time and treated them with care. Others remembered moments that felt rushed, clinical, or insensitive. These moments could either support or intensify their emotional experience.
Fathers Often Go Into “Support Mode”
One of the most consistent themes in the study was how fathers reacted immediately after the miscarriage. Many described going into action mode. They focused on taking care of their partner, handling logistics, communicating with family, and supporting other children.
Their own emotional response often took a backseat. One father said, “I had my breakdowns, but usually on my own. Driving to work, late at night, when she was asleep.” This need to stay strong for others is common, and while it can be a form of love and support, it can also leave fathers feeling isolated in their own grief.
The emotional responses described by the fathers were often vague or difficult to articulate. They knew they felt something intense, but many had trouble expressing it or finding space to explore it. This can lead to unresolved grief, emotional suppression, or even strain in the relationship over time.
Support Can Validate and Heal
The study made it clear that support from others made a big difference in how fathers coped with miscarriage. Emotional support from friends and family, especially from those who had gone through a similar experience, was incredibly meaningful. Hearing “I’ve been there” helped normalize their feelings and created a sense of shared understanding.
Fathers also appreciated practical support. Meals, childcare, flexible time off from work, and help managing tasks gave them the space to focus on their partner and themselves. Small gestures, like someone asking “How are you doing?” instead of only checking in on the mother, helped fathers feel seen.
One father remembered receiving a handwritten letter from a friend who had also experienced a miscarriage. It was raw and emotional, but it helped him feel less alone. Another father mentioned a colleague who simply said, “I’m here if you ever want to talk.” That simple sentence held more comfort than any solution-focused advice.
Unfortunately, not all fathers received support. Some described friends or family minimizing the loss by saying things like “You can always try again” or “At least it happened early.” These comments, even if well-intentioned, often added to the father’s sense of invisibility.
Disenfranchised Grief Is Real
One of the most powerful insights from the study was the idea of disenfranchised grief. This occurs when a person experiences a significant loss that is not recognized or supported by others. Many of the fathers in the study felt this deeply. Their grief was real, but it was not always acknowledged.
People often focused on the mother, and the fathers did not want to take attention away from her. Some even downplayed their own emotions because they felt it was their job to be the strong one. One father said, “Even if someone had asked me how I was doing, I probably would have said I was fine and focused on her.”
Over time, this kind of hidden grief can lead to emotional distancing, isolation, or suppressed pain. Fathers may feel that their loss does not count, which can make healing more difficult.
Therapy Can Help Fathers Heal
If you are a father who has experienced miscarriage, you may not have been offered many opportunities to process your grief. Therapy can offer a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore what you are feeling and what the experience has meant for you.
Grief does not always show up in obvious ways. You might notice sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, or even guilt. You might struggle with feeling like you are supposed to “move on” or not show emotion. Therapy allows you to process these feelings at your own pace and in your own way.
Couples therapy can also be incredibly helpful. Miscarriage affects both partners, and often in different ways. Therapy can help you communicate, reconnect, and grieve together rather than separately.
You Are Not Alone
If you are a father who has gone through a miscarriage, please know that your grief is valid. Your role matters. Your experience matters.
Miscarriage may be common, but that does not mean it is easy. It is a loss that touches both parents, and it deserves attention, support, and space to heal. Whether you are still feeling the pain, trying to understand it, or unsure how to move forward, you are not alone.
If you are ready to talk, I am here.
—Dr. Nate
