Feeling Tense Around Someone? How Walking on Eggshells Points to Hidden Conversations Waiting to Happen
Most of us know the feeling. You’re around someone important to you, and suddenly everything feels careful. You watch your words. You avoid certain topics. Your body feels a little tight, your mind a little anxious.
People often call this “walking on eggshells.” And while it feels uncomfortable, many of us treat it like something normal or inevitable in relationships. We figure it is just part of keeping the peace.
But here is something I want to offer as a therapist: that tense, eggshell-walking feeling is not something to ignore. It is a signal. It is a quiet message from your emotional system telling you there is something unspoken that needs attention.
It might feel easier to stay quiet or tiptoe around it. But often, what actually helps is learning to get curious. Curiosity opens the door to connection.
Let’s take a closer look at why that is true.
What Walking on Eggshells Really Means
When I talk with clients about this feeling, they often describe it as stress or anxiety they feel around a specific person. It could be a partner, a parent, a friend, or a coworker.
Some common signs include:
- Feeling unsure if what you say will upset the other person
- Avoiding certain topics altogether
- Holding your breath during conversations
- Feeling emotionally exhausted after spending time with them
In many cases, people assume this feeling is just part of keeping a relationship stable. They say things like, “I don’t want to start a fight,” or “It’s just easier if I don’t bring that up.”
But the truth is, avoiding difficult conversations usually keeps relationships stuck. And the more you avoid, the more eggshell moments tend to pile up.
Why Avoiding Conversations Can Build Walls
It is natural to want to avoid conflict. None of us enjoy upsetting someone we care about.
But over time, avoiding conversations leads to:
- Misunderstandings
- Built-up resentment
- Feeling emotionally distant from each other
The walls we build to protect ourselves from difficult feelings often become the same walls that keep us from true connection.
This is where curiosity comes in.
Curiosity as the Antidote to Walking on Eggshells
When we feel that tense, careful energy in a relationship, it is actually a clue. It means there is something we do not fully understand yet.
Maybe we do not understand what the other person is feeling.
Maybe we do not understand what we ourselves need.
Maybe there is a misunderstanding waiting to be cleared up.
Rather than shutting down or tiptoeing around the issue, curiosity invites us to ask questions like:
- “I notice I feel nervous to bring this up. Can we talk about it?”
- “I wonder what is really going on between us right now.”
- “I’ve been feeling a little distant. Have you noticed that too?”
These kinds of questions create openings. They allow both people to show up more fully.
Why Curiosity Feels Risky But Matters
Getting curious does not always feel easy. There is a reason we avoid certain topics. We might fear:
- Making someone angry
- Hearing something we do not want to hear
- Feeling rejected or misunderstood
But here is the thing. Avoiding those risks does not make them go away. It just keeps both people locked in silence.
In couples therapy and individual therapy, one of the biggest shifts I see is when someone chooses to lean into curiosity despite the discomfort. They find that often, the other person feels the same way. They too have been holding things in, afraid to bring them up.
Curiosity builds emotional safety because it signals care. It says, “I want to understand you. I value our connection.”
How to Start a Curious Conversation
If you are reading this and realizing you have been walking on eggshells with someone, here are a few simple ways to begin opening that up:
- Name the Feeling First
You can start with something as simple as, “I’ve been feeling like I’m walking on eggshells lately, and I want us to be able to talk about things more openly.” - Use “I” Statements
Speak from your own experience rather than blaming. For example:- “I notice I get nervous about bringing up certain things.”
- “I feel unsure what’s okay to say sometimes.”
- Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of yes/no questions, try:- “How do you feel when I bring things up?”
- “What has been on your mind lately that we haven’t talked about?”
- Stay Curious, Not Critical
The goal is not to win an argument or point out faults. It is to understand. Remind yourself to listen more than you speak. - Give It Time
Sometimes these conversations take more than one try. If it feels hard at first, that is normal. Keep coming back to it gently.
What If the Other Person Shuts Down?
Not everyone is ready to have these kinds of conversations right away. If someone responds with defensiveness or withdrawal, it does not necessarily mean it is hopeless.
You can say something like:
“I don’t want to push you. I just care about us and hope we can keep finding ways to talk about things.”
Sometimes, letting them know the door is open is enough to start softening things over time.
When Walking on Eggshells Points to Bigger Patterns
In some cases, walking on eggshells is about more than just a difficult conversation. It can reflect deeper patterns in a relationship, such as:
- Chronic conflict avoidance
- Emotional unavailability
- Controlling or unpredictable behavior from the other person
If you notice that no matter how curious or open you try to be, things stay tense and shut down, it might be worth exploring these patterns with a therapist.
Therapy provides a space to unpack these dynamics and learn new ways of relating that feel safer and more connected.
Closing Thought
Walking on eggshells is not a normal or healthy long-term pattern in relationships. It is a sign that something is waiting to be talked about.
Rather than seeing it as a warning to stay silent, consider it an invitation to get curious. Asking gentle, open questions can turn tension into understanding. And from there, real connection becomes possible again.
If you find yourself stuck in this dynamic and would like support navigating it, therapy can help. You do not have to keep tiptoeing around what matters most.
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