Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Whether it’s about chores, communication styles, or deeper emotional needs, disagreements happen. What truly matters is how we navigate these moments. When handled with care, conflicts can actually strengthen a relationship, fostering greater understanding and emotional intimacy.
One powerful approach to conflict resolution is the SHHH Technique—which stands for See Me, Hear Me, Help Me, Hold Me. This method shifts the focus from winning an argument to truly connecting with your partner. By following these steps, couples can transform moments of tension into opportunities for deeper connection.
In this post, we’ll explore the SHHH technique, its impact on relationships, and how you can integrate it into your daily life.
What Is the SHHH Technique?
The SHHH technique is about emotional presence during conflicts. Instead of reacting defensively or shutting down, it encourages partners to engage with each other in a way that fosters safety and connection.
Here’s what each step means:
- See Me – Recognize your partner’s emotions and experience.
- Hear Me – Truly listen to what they are saying without judgment.
- Help Me – Show care and willingness to support them.
- Hold Me – Offer comfort and reassurance, both physically and emotionally.
By following these four steps, couples can shift from a place of defensiveness to one of emotional security.
Step 1: See Me – Recognizing Your Partner’s Experience
When conflict arises, it’s easy to focus on proving a point rather than understanding where your partner is coming from. The first step in the SHHH technique is to truly see your partner—not just their words, but their emotions and struggles.
How to Practice “See Me” in Conflict:
- Before reacting, take a deep breath and observe your partner’s body language. Do they seem frustrated? Hurt? Overwhelmed?
- Validate their emotions by saying something like, “I can see that this situation is really upsetting for you.”
- Avoid minimizing their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them.
Why It Works:
When people feel seen, they are less likely to become defensive. They feel safe, which helps de-escalate tension.
Step 2: Hear Me – Truly Listening Without Judgment
We all want to feel heard. But during conflict, we often listen just to respond, rather than listening to understand. This step of the SHHH technique encourages active listening.
How to Practice “Hear Me” in Conflict:
- Make eye contact and give your full attention—put down the phone or turn off distractions.
- Reflect back what your partner is saying: “So what I’m hearing is that you feel like I haven’t been present lately. Is that right?”
- Resist the urge to interrupt or jump to solutions right away.
Why It Works:
When partners feel heard, they are less likely to raise their voices or shut down. It builds emotional safety, which is crucial for resolving conflicts in a healthy way.
Step 3: Help Me – Offering Support Instead of Solutions
Once your partner feels seen and heard, the next step is offering support. Sometimes, we assume that helping means fixing the problem, but often, what our partners need most is emotional reassurance.
How to Practice “Help Me” in Conflict:
- Instead of immediately offering solutions, ask: “How can I support you right now?”
- Offer empathy rather than quick fixes: “I know this is really hard for you, and I want to be here for you.”
- If they do need practical help, collaborate on a solution together rather than taking over.
Why It Works:
Helping doesn’t mean fixing—it means being present. Your partner will feel more connected and secure, knowing they aren’t facing the challenge alone.
Step 4: Hold Me – Providing Comfort and Reassurance
The final step of the SHHH technique is “Hold Me.” This isn’t just about physical touch (though a hug can be powerful); it’s about emotional holding—offering safety, reassurance, and warmth.
How to Practice “Hold Me” in Conflict:
- If appropriate, offer physical comfort, like a hand squeeze or a hug.
- If physical touch isn’t the best choice in the moment, offer words of reassurance: “We’re in this together. I love you, and we’ll figure this out.”
- Remind your partner that disagreements don’t change your commitment to them.
Why It Works:
Conflict often triggers feelings of insecurity. This step helps rebuild trust, reinforcing that the relationship is a safe space even during disagreements.
The SHHH Technique in Everyday Life
The beauty of the SHHH technique is that it’s not just for conflict—it can be used in everyday moments to strengthen your relationship.
Here are some simple ways to integrate it:
- When your partner shares a frustration about their day, See them by acknowledging their feelings.
- When they vent about something, Hear them by listening without rushing to solutions.
- When they seem overwhelmed, Help them by asking how you can support them.
- When they feel discouraged, Hold them emotionally by offering comfort.
By practicing these steps regularly, you create a relationship where both partners feel emotionally safe and deeply connected.
Building Stronger Relationships with Therapy
If you and your partner struggle with communication or feel stuck in negative patterns, couples therapy can help. Using evidence-based approaches like Gottman Therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we can help you build stronger, more connected relationships.
Conflict doesn’t have to drive you apart—it can be an opportunity for deeper understanding and closeness. If you’re ready to work on your relationship, we’re here to support you.
