Sexuality is deeply personal, ever-evolving, and unique to each individual. Yet many people find themselves wondering, Why don’t I feel desire the way I “should”? or Why does my interest in sex fluctuate so much? If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone. Understanding how your sexual response system works can help you embrace your desires, improve intimacy, and relieve pressure around sexuality. One of the most helpful models for understanding this comes from Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., who introduced the dual control model of sexuality in her book Come As You Are.

This model explains that sexual desire isn’t just about having an “on” switch. Instead, our sexuality operates with two important mechanisms: accelerators (turn-ons) and brakes (turn-offs). Let’s explore how these interact, why they matter, and how you can create a more fulfilling and affirming relationship with your own sexuality.

The Dual Control Model: How Brakes and Accelerators Work

Think of your sexuality like a car. Your sexual accelerator (gas pedal) responds to stimuli that tell your brain, this is a good time for arousal. This can include anything from physical touch, certain words, a loving atmosphere, to feeling safe and desired. On the other hand, your sexual brakes (stop signals) respond to anything that tells your brain, this is not a good time for sex. This could be stress, body image concerns, past experiences, medical conditions, relationship dynamics, or even just distractions like a long to-do list.

Everyone has a unique combination of sensitive brakes and accelerators, and these are influenced by a lifetime of experiences, cultural messaging, and personal circumstances. Some people have highly sensitive accelerators and are easily aroused, while others may have highly sensitive brakes that make it harder to tap into desire, even in loving and intimate moments.

How This Impacts Every Person’s Sexuality

1. There’s No “Right” Amount of Desire

Many people worry they’re not experiencing enough sexual desire or that something is “wrong” with them. But understanding your brakes and accelerators helps you recognize that sexuality isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience. Some people need more time and the right environment to feel desire. Others may need to remove stressors or adjust expectations. All of this is normal.

2. Stress Is a Major Brake on Desire

If you’ve ever wondered why you feel more interested in sex when you’re on vacation versus during a stressful workweek, brakes and accelerators explain why. Stress, anxiety, and exhaustion are powerful brakes that can shut down desire, even if you intellectually want to be intimate. This is why self-care, relaxation, and stress management are essential for a fulfilling sex life.

3. Understanding Brakes Can Reduce Shame

Many people feel frustrated when they want to want sex but can’t seem to get there. Instead of blaming yourself or feeling broken, consider what’s activating your brakes. Are you feeling emotionally disconnected? Do you have unresolved trauma? Is your body sending signals of discomfort? Once you identify your brakes, you can work on creating an environment where arousal feels more natural.

4. Accelerators Can Be Cultivated

Just as you can work to reduce the sensitivity of your brakes, you can also nurture your accelerators. This might involve exploring new ways to feel connected, shifting expectations about pleasure, or simply allowing yourself more time and patience with desire. Sensory experiences, intimacy-building activities, and reducing performance pressure can help cultivate a positive sexual experience.

How to Apply This to Your Life

✅ Identify Your Brakes and Accelerators – Take time to reflect on what makes you feel comfortable, safe, and turned on versus what shuts down desire.

✅ Create a Supportive Environment – If stress, body image concerns, or past experiences are acting as brakes, consider ways to reduce pressure and introduce more self-compassion.

✅ Communicate with Your Partner(s) – Understanding each other’s sexual response patterns can reduce misunderstandings and lead to a more fulfilling connection.

✅ Work with a Therapist if Needed – If shame, trauma, or relationship struggles are impacting your experience, therapy can help create a space for healing and self-exploration.

Final Thoughts

Your sexuality is unique, valid, and deserving of care and understanding. By learning how your brakes and accelerators interact, you can develop a deeper sense of self-awareness and create a more fulfilling relationship with your own desire. No matter where you are in your journey, you are not broken—you are beautifully human.