Becoming a parent often brings joy, love, and a renewed sense of purpose. For some, it also stirs up old memories and emotions that have been quietly waiting beneath the surface. If you were a parentified child, someone who had to grow up too fast, take care of others, or carry emotional burdens that were not yours, parenting can feel both healing and confusing.

You might find yourself deeply protective of your child and determined to give them the care you never had. Or you may feel uncertain about what healthy parenting even looks like. Without realizing it, you may swing between two extremes: over-connecting and over-correcting. The challenge and opportunity lie in finding a balanced middle ground where love and boundaries can coexist.

Understanding Parentification

Parentification happens when a child is placed in a caregiving role that belongs to an adult. It might mean taking care of siblings, managing household tasks, or becoming an emotional confidant for a parent. This can be instrumental (taking on adult responsibilities) or emotional (carrying a parent’s emotional needs).

Children who grow up this way often learn to stay strong, helpful, and responsible. They become attuned to other people’s moods and needs, often at the cost of their own. On the outside, they appear mature and capable. On the inside, they may feel lonely, unseen, or anxious about doing something wrong.

As adults, these same strengths such as responsibility, empathy, and awareness can make you a loving and dedicated parent. But they can also make it easy to repeat old patterns without realizing it.

When Old Roles Resurface

Parenthood has a way of waking up the inner child. You may see your own childhood reflected in your child’s eyes. You might notice moments where you feel triggered, overly protective, or unsure how to respond.

For many who were parentified, this creates an emotional tension. On one side is the deep desire to give your child everything you never had. On the other is a fear of repeating the past. These good intentions can sometimes lead to extremes that feel familiar but are not fully healthy.

The Two Common Reactions

1. Repetition: The Over-Connected Parent
When you grow up emotionally neglected or responsible for a parent’s feelings, closeness can feel like a mix of love and obligation. You may find yourself oversharing with your child or depending on them for comfort.

You might say things like, “You’re the only one who understands me,” or find yourself venting about adult problems because you long for connection. It comes from love, but it can make your child feel emotionally responsible for you. Over time, they may begin to anticipate your moods the way you once did for your parents.

2. Rebellion: The Over-Detached Parent
Other parentified adults go in the opposite direction. Having experienced blurred boundaries growing up, they build firm walls around their emotions. They may avoid showing vulnerability or keep parenting very structured and rule-based.

They might think, “I will never make my child feel responsible for me,” but the result can be emotional distance. Children may sense love but not warmth, safety but not closeness.

Both of these reactions come from the same wound: the absence of secure, balanced care. They are protective strategies, but neither allows for the deep, reciprocal bond that both parent and child need.

Finding the Healing Middle

Parenting after parentification is about creating balance. It means building a relationship with your child that includes both connection and containment, love without enmeshment, and guidance without control.

This is not about perfection. It is about awareness and gentle correction when you notice old patterns emerging. Here are some ways to begin finding that middle ground.

1. Notice When Your Inner Child Shows Up

Parenting can trigger memories of times you felt scared, unseen, or overburdened. These moments often come up when your child expresses needs that feel overwhelming or when they act in ways that stir old emotions.

Pause and ask yourself, “Is this about my child right now, or is this about my younger self?” Naming the feeling helps separate past from present. You can offer compassion to both yourself and your child instead of reacting automatically.

2. Create Emotional Boundaries with Love

Healthy boundaries are not cold or rigid. They allow your child to feel safe while also allowing you to be human.

You might say, “I’m having a hard day, but it’s not your job to fix it. I just need a few minutes to calm down.” This teaches your child that emotions are normal and manageable, and that adults are responsible for their own feelings.

Children learn emotional regulation by watching how you handle yours. When you show that it is safe to have feelings without making others responsible, you teach a powerful lesson about empathy and independence.

3. Build Joy That Isn’t Tied to Responsibility

Parentified children often associate closeness with duty. They learned that love means being helpful or managing someone’s emotions.

As a parent, you can heal this by creating moments of connection that are purely joyful such as playing together, being silly, or sharing laughter without any agenda. This helps both you and your child experience intimacy as light and fun rather than heavy and obligatory.

4. Learn to Rest and Receive

If you grew up always giving, rest might feel uncomfortable. You may find yourself unable to ask for help or feeling guilty when you take time for yourself.

Remember that rest models self-care for your child. When they see you take a nap, accept help, or say no kindly, they learn that it is okay to have needs. This helps to break the cycle of constant self-sacrifice.

Allowing yourself to receive care from others such as friends, partners, or therapists is another form of healing. It takes the weight off your child to be your only emotional support.

5. Practice Repair When You Miss the Mark

Even the most intentional parents have moments they regret. You might snap under stress, over-share, or withdraw when overwhelmed. What matters most is what happens next.

Apologizing and repairing is not a sign of weakness; it is a model of emotional maturity. You can say, “I’m sorry I got frustrated earlier. That wasn’t fair to you. I love you, and I’m working on handling my feelings better.”

Repair teaches children that relationships can survive mistakes. It also gives you a chance to rewrite what you experienced as a child where rupture may have gone unacknowledged.

6. Work Through Grief for the Childhood You Didn’t Have

Many parentified adults carry silent grief for the care they never received. Parenting your own child can intensify that awareness. It can feel bittersweet to offer your child what you once needed but did not get.

Allow yourself to grieve that loss. Grief is not self-pity; it is acknowledgment of what was missing. Therapy can help you process this gently so your parenting becomes less about compensating for the past and more about being present now.

Healing is not about erasing your past but integrating it. The part of you that had to grow up too soon deserves care and understanding.

7. Seek Support and Community

Parenting can be isolating, especially for those who grew up without consistent emotional support. Reaching out to trusted friends, support groups, or a therapist can make a world of difference.

When you build a supportive network, you give your child the gift of seeing you connected to others. It teaches them that no one person has to carry everything alone.

Closing Thoughts

Parenting after parentification is both a challenge and an opportunity for deep healing. You are learning to give your child what you needed while also learning to care for the parts of you that still long for safety and rest.

You will not always get it right, and that is okay. Parenting is not about being perfect; it is about being present. Each time you pause, repair, or choose a gentler response, you are rewriting your family story.

Your child does not need you to be flawless. They need you to be real, attuned, and willing to grow. By learning to be the parent you needed, you create a new pattern of love that is grounded in balance, empathy, and trust.

If you recognize yourself in this story, therapy can be a supportive place to explore your past and learn new ways of connecting. Together, we can help you heal the child within while nurturing the parent you are becoming.

Further Reading

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents — Lindsay C. Gibson

• Parenting from the Inside Out — Daniel J. Siegel & Mary Hartzell

• Running on Empty — Jonice Webb

• No Bad Parts — Richard Schwartz