Understanding the Subtle Ways We Disconnect and How to Rebuild Trust Through Small Moments

Have you ever felt like you and your partner were missing each other, even when everything seemed “fine”? Maybe they made a passing comment and you nodded but didn’t really engage. Or maybe you asked a question and they seemed distracted or changed the subject. These little moments might seem harmless, but over time they can erode emotional connection in a relationship.

At the heart of strong, healthy partnerships is something called emotional bidding. The term was coined by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, to describe the small ways we reach for one another emotionally throughout the day. A bid might look like a request for attention, affection, support, or play. When we respond to these bids with presence and care, we strengthen connection. When we miss or dismiss them, especially without realizing it, the foundation of the relationship can begin to crack.

In my work with couples, I often hear things like, “I didn’t know they were trying to connect with me,” or “I thought I was responding, but I guess it didn’t land that way.” If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Emotional bids are easy to overlook, especially in the rush of daily life or when old patterns from childhood or past relationships get in the way.

So how do you know if you’re unintentionally dismissing your partner’s bids? Let’s explore some common signs, and more importantly, how to turn things around with care, curiosity, and intention.

1. You Focus on Fixing Instead of Feeling

Imagine your partner says, “I had such a hard day at work.” You respond with something like, “Well, maybe you should talk to your boss about that,” or “You need to stop letting them stress you out.” While your intention might be helpful, your partner was likely looking for emotional attunement, not a solution.

When someone shares a vulnerable moment, they’re often seeking empathy first. Fixing can feel like dismissing because it skips over the emotional connection. A more attuned response might sound like, “That sounds really frustrating. Do you want to talk more about it?”

2. You Change the Subject When Things Get Emotional

Emotional conversations can be uncomfortable, especially if you didn’t grow up in an environment where feelings were talked about openly. If your partner starts to express sadness or frustration, and you shift the topic to something lighter or suddenly get busy with something else that can feel like a disconnection.

Avoidance can be a learned coping mechanism. You may not even notice you’re doing it. But your partner may feel unseen or unimportant. The next time emotion arises, try simply staying with them in the moment. You don’t have to say the perfect thing. Just staying present is often enough.

3. You Dismiss or Downplay Their Experience

Statements like “You’re overreacting,” “It’s not a big deal,” or “Why are you still upset about that?” can be deeply invalidating. Even if you don’t mean harm, these phrases send the message that your partner’s feelings are unreasonable or wrong.

Dismissing often comes from a desire to reduce conflict or keep things calm. But over time, it teaches your partner that it’s not safe to open up to you. A more connecting approach is to assume that their feelings make sense in the context of their experience—even if you would feel differently in their shoes.

4. You’re Often Distracted or Checked Out

Bids for connection don’t always sound like emotional conversations. Sometimes they’re as simple as, “Did you see that sunset?” or “Wanna go for a walk later?” These seemingly small moments are actually invitations for togetherness.

If you’re glued to your phone, distracted by work, or frequently replying with half-hearted “uh-huhs,” your partner might start to feel like they’re talking into the void. Over time, they may stop trying.

Being fully present doesn’t require hours of quality time. Even a few seconds of intentional attention can make a big difference. Try putting the phone down, making eye contact, or pausing what you’re doing to really listen.

5. You Joke or Tease When They’re Trying to Be Serious

Humor can be a beautiful connector in relationships, but it can also become a defense mechanism when we feel uncomfortable. If your partner shares something serious and you respond with sarcasm or a joke, it may come across as deflecting rather than engaging.

If this is a pattern for you, try pausing before responding. Ask yourself, “Is this the time to lighten the mood, or is this a moment to lean in and really listen?”

6. You Rarely Initiate Emotional Connection

Sometimes we don’t dismiss bids so much as fail to create them. If you’re waiting for your partner to always be the one to check in, ask how you’re doing, or initiate deeper conversation, it can lead to imbalance. Your partner may feel like they are the emotional anchor for both of you.

Healthy connection involves mutual emotional investment. Ask how your partner is doing—not just in terms of logistics, but emotionally. Share something vulnerable. Express appreciation. These are all ways of saying, “I care about you, and I want to connect.”

Repair Is Always Possible

If you’re reading this and feeling a little uneasy, know that awareness is the first step. We all miss bids sometimes. What matters most is how we respond once we realize it.

Start with a conversation. You might say, “I’ve been thinking about how I respond to you lately, and I wonder if there are times I’ve missed your attempts to connect. I want to do better.” This kind of openness can be deeply healing.

You can also repair missed moments after the fact. If you realize you brushed off something important, go back and say, “Hey, earlier when you said you were feeling overwhelmed, I didn’t really respond the way I wanted to. Would you still like to talk about it?”

Practicing Presence, One Moment at a Time

You don’t need to become a perfect partner. You just need to be a present one.

Start noticing the small bids your partner makes each day. A sigh. A question. A glance. A memory they bring up out of the blue. Each of these is a thread, an opportunity to say, “I see you. I hear you. You matter to me.”

And if you’d like support in learning how to deepen emotional responsiveness in your relationship, therapy can offer a safe place to explore what’s getting in the way. Patterns of disconnection are often rooted in deeper stories and these are stories we can rewrite together.

You don’t have to navigate that alone. If you would like to talk more about this click the book online button above and schedule a free 15 minute consultation session.

Recommended Reading and Resources

• Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

• Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love.

• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.