In the dance of relationships, small moments often hold the key to deep connection. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, introduced the concept of “bids for attention”—those subtle or overt attempts one partner makes to connect with the other. These bids can be as simple as a smile, a sigh, or a comment about the weather. How a partner responds to these bids, over time, can shape the entire trajectory of a relationship.
For couples seeking a stronger bond, understanding and responding to these bids with care can be transformational. Using principles from Gottman therapy and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we’ll explore why bids for attention matter, how to strengthen your responsiveness, and how to bring more presence into your relationship.
What Are Bids for Attention?
Bids for attention are any gestures, words, or actions aimed at getting a partner’s engagement. They might look like:
- A partner pointing out a funny meme on their phone
- A question about your day
- A touch on the shoulder as they walk by
- A deep sigh, signaling the need for support
Gottman’s research shows that happy couples turn toward these bids about 86% of the time, while those in struggling relationships do so only about 33% of the time. This difference is profound: consistently turning toward your partner strengthens the emotional bank account of your relationship, fostering warmth, trust, and resilience.
The Impact of Turning Toward Your Partner
Responding to bids for attention creates a culture of connection, which in turn builds:
- Emotional Security – When your partner knows you are there for them, they feel safe to express emotions, dreams, and concerns.
- Increased Intimacy – Each positive response to a bid reinforces emotional and physical intimacy.
- Stronger Conflict Resolution – Couples who regularly turn toward each other have a buffer against relationship distress and navigate disagreements more effectively.
- Long-Term Relationship Satisfaction – Small moments of connection, repeated daily, add up to long-lasting happiness.
The Challenge: Why Do We Sometimes Miss Bids?
In the rush of life, it’s easy to overlook bids for attention. Stress, work demands, distractions like phones and social media, or unresolved relationship tension can all make us less responsive. Sometimes, we assume that a partner’s bid is unimportant or dismiss it without realizing how much it matters.
ACT therapy teaches us to be mindful of these moments, recognizing that our automatic responses aren’t always helpful. Instead of brushing off a bid due to stress or distraction, ACT encourages us to pause, notice, and respond in alignment with our values—values such as love, connection, and presence.
How to Improve Your Responsiveness to Bids
If you’d like to increase your awareness and positive response to your partner’s bids, consider these practical strategies:
1. Practice Mindful Awareness
Take a moment each day to consciously notice your partner’s attempts to connect. Whether they are subtle or direct, aim to respond with warmth and engagement.
2. Minimize Distractions
Technology can be a major barrier to connection. Set aside “device-free” time each day where you and your partner can interact without interruptions from phones, TV, or work emails.
3. Express Interest and Enthusiasm
Even if your partner’s bid is about something small, showing genuine curiosity and excitement makes a difference. If they say, “Look at this funny cat video!” instead of giving a distracted nod, watch and laugh with them.
4. Use Physical Touch
Sometimes, the best response to a bid isn’t words, but a simple touch—a hand on their back, a hug, or an affectionate squeeze.
5. Verbally Acknowledge and Reflect Back
Reinforce their bid with affirming words. If your partner says, “It’s been such a long day,” instead of replying, “Yeah, me too,” try: “I hear you. That sounds exhausting. Do you want to talk about it?”
6. Commit to Daily Check-ins
Set aside time daily—whether 10 minutes before bed or during dinner—to truly listen to your partner’s thoughts and emotions.
7. Repair Missed Bids
No one is perfect, and we all occasionally miss bids. If you realize you’ve ignored one, it’s never too late to repair it. A simple, “Hey, I just realized I didn’t really listen to you earlier. Tell me more about that,” can go a long way in strengthening connection.
Building a Relationship That Thrives
Long-term relationships aren’t built on grand gestures alone but on the small, everyday moments of turning toward each other. Just as a garden flourishes with daily care, relationships deepen through consistent acts of attention and responsiveness.
If you and your partner are struggling to connect, therapy can provide the tools to rebuild emotional closeness and strengthen your bond. Whether through Gottman-based couples counseling or ACT therapy, professional guidance can help you become more present and responsive in your relationship.John Gottman relationship advice, Gottman therapy techniques, Emotional connection in relationships, How to improve relationship communication, Building intimacy with your partner, ACT therapy for couples, Relationship advice for couples, Strengthening emotional bonds, Turning toward your partner, Improving marriage satisfaction
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship?
If you’d like to explore how therapy can help you and your partner turn toward each other with greater intention and warmth, we’re here to support you. Book a session online today and take the first step toward a more connected and fulfilling relationship.
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