Have you ever felt like it’s hard to bring up something that’s bothering you in your relationship? Maybe conflict feels uncomfortable or even unsafe, so you decide to avoid it. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Recent research by Rackham et al., (2017) offers helpful insights into why this happens and what can help.

Their 2017 study, published in The American Journal of Family Therapy, explored how avoidant conflict styles affect a person’s ability to work on their relationship. It also asked whether having a partner who is emotionally available could make a difference.

Avoiding Conflict Is Often Learned Early

The researchers found that people who grew up with parents who avoided conflict were much more likely to avoid conflict in their own relationships. In fact, men were over two times more likely to adopt an avoidant style if both parents did, and women were nearly three times more likely.

This supports what many therapists observe: we tend to replicate what we saw in our family of origin. If you grew up in a home where problems were ignored or smoothed over instead of addressed, you may have learned that silence and distance were safer than speaking up.

What Is Relationship Self-Regulation?

Relationship self-regulation refers to the ongoing effort a person puts into strengthening their relationship. This can look like trying new ways of communicating, following through on relationship goals, or showing up more intentionally for a partner. It is an internal process of choosing to work at connection.

Unfortunately, the study found that people who avoid conflict are less likely to engage in this kind of relationship effort. It is not because they do not care, but because avoiding conflict also means avoiding important conversations about change, needs, and growth.

The Role of a Safe and Attuned Partner

The most encouraging finding from the study was that people who saw their partners as emotionally available were more likely to engage in relationship self-regulation, even if they were conflict avoidant.

Emotional availability includes three key behaviors: accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement. These attachment behaviors, first introduced by John Bowlby and later expanded by Sue Johnson and others, create emotional safety in relationships. When a partner consistently shows up in these ways, it becomes easier to risk vulnerability and do the emotional work a relationship requires.

Emotional Safety Helps, But It Is Not a Cure-All

Interestingly, the study also found that while perceived partner attachment behaviors increased relationship effort overall, they did not completely erase the negative effects of conflict avoidance. In other words, having a supportive partner helps, but it may not be enough on its own to change deep-rooted avoidant patterns.

This suggests that avoidant partners may need additional support, such as therapy or intentional education, to understand why conflict feels risky and how they can begin to approach it differently.

What This Means for Couples

If you or your partner tends to avoid conflict, you are not doomed. Here are a few takeaways:

• Avoidant styles are often passed down through generations. Recognizing this pattern is a powerful first step.

• Partners who practice emotional availability can help create the safety needed for meaningful change.

• Attachment behaviors are skills that can be learned and practiced. They are not personality traits.

• A conflict avoidant partner may still need time, support, and space to learn how to stay present in emotionally charged moments.

Therapists can play a key role in this process. By helping couples name their styles and understand their impact, clinicians can create a path forward that is rooted in safety and growth.

Final Thoughts

Healthy relationships require effort, but that effort is only possible when there is emotional safety. This study by Rackham, Larson, Willoughby, Sandberg, and Shafer reminds us that the way we were raised shapes how we relate to conflict, but it does not have to define our future.

With the right support and a safe connection, even conflict avoidant partners can learn to show up more fully and take part in building the relationship they truly want.

If you recognize patterns of conflict avoidance in your relationship, or if you’re struggling to feel emotionally safe with your partner, therapy can help. I work with individuals and couples to explore these patterns with curiosity and care, and to build the emotional connection that supports real change.

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Reference

Rackham, E. L., Larson, J. H., Willoughby, B. J., Sandberg, J. G., & Shafer, K. M. (2017). Do Partner Attachment Behaviors Moderate Avoidant Conflict-Resolution Styles and Relationship Self-Regulation? The American Journal of Family Therapy. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2017.1338975