When we think about sexuality, we often think in terms of attraction, pleasure, and relationships. But what we rarely pause to consider is this: Where did I learn what I believe about sex? Who taught you how desire is supposed to look? Who shaped your beliefs about what is acceptable, appropriate, or even possible?

As a therapist, I’ve sat with many people across the spectrum of gender, orientation, and identity who feel stuck, confused, or disconnected when it comes to their sexuality. Often, the struggle isn’t about a lack of desire or compatibility. It’s about internalized stories, or sexual scripts, that were never truly theirs to begin with.

Let’s take some time to unpack this together, gently and with curiosity.

What Are Sexual Scripts?

Sexual scripts are the invisible rules we learn about how sex should work, how we should feel about it, and who we are supposed to be when engaging in it. These scripts are passed down through culture, religion, media, family, and peers. Sometimes they’re loud and obvious, like a message from a religious leader or a scene in a movie. Other times, they’re subtle and picked up through silence, body language, or unspoken expectations.

Think of a sexual script like a play. It hands out roles, cues, and expectations. Who is supposed to initiate? What does “good sex” look like? How often should it happen? Who is allowed to want it and who isn’t?

Scripts can show up as internal pressure:

  • “I should always want sex if I love my partner.”

  • “If I say no, I’m letting them down.”

  • “Real men are always ready.”

  • “Good girls don’t want sex too much.”

  • “Queer sex doesn’t count unless it looks a certain way.”

These messages can leave anyone, especially those whose identities fall outside of mainstream norms, feeling erased or unseen.

When we follow these scripts without questioning them, we may end up living out someone else’s story. Not because it fits us, but because it was handed to us without our consent.

The Problem with Inherited Scripts

When the stories we’ve internalized don’t align with our values, identities, or actual desires, it can create deep disconnection from our bodies, our partners, and even ourselves.

Some common signs that you may be living out someone else’s script:

  • You feel pressure to perform or meet certain sexual expectations

  • You struggle to express your needs or preferences

  • You feel ashamed or confused about what you want or don’t want

  • Sex feels more like an obligation than a connection

  • You’re constantly wondering if something is wrong with you or your relationship

If any of this resonates with you, take a breath. You are not broken. You are simply waking up to the possibility that there is more to your story than what you’ve been taught. That realization is not just okay. It is powerful.

Where Do These Scripts Come From?

Understanding where these scripts originate can be the first step toward healing and rewriting them. Here are some common sources:

1. Family and Childhood Messages
Maybe you grew up in a home where sex was taboo, never discussed, or tied tightly to shame. Or perhaps you were given the message, directly or indirectly, that your body was not your own, that your worth was tied to your sexuality, or that certain desires were unacceptable. For LGBTQ folks, this often includes being left out of conversations about love, sex, and relationships altogether.

2. Religion and Morality
Many people were raised in environments where sexuality was framed in terms of purity, sin, or control. These teachings can leave lasting effects, including guilt, fear, and a split between love and desire. For queer and trans individuals, this often came with added layers of rejection and invisibility.

3. Media and Pop Culture
Movies, TV shows, social media, and pornography often promote narrow, idealized versions of sex and bodies. We are shown what’s “sexy,” what’s “normal,” and what “success” in a relationship looks like. Too often, these portrayals ignore consent, emotional safety, and the rich diversity of LGBTQ love and desire.

4. Gender Norms and Roles
Gendered expectations are built into most sexual scripts. These can affect how we give and receive pleasure, whether we feel permission to express vulnerability, or how we view ourselves as sexual beings. For people who are nonbinary, trans, or gender-expansive, these scripts may never have felt relevant. Yet they often still carry influence.

Rewriting Your Story

So how do we begin to write our own sexual script, one that feels authentic, empowering, and aligned with who we are?

1. Get Curious Without Judgment
Start by noticing the beliefs you hold about sex and sexuality. Ask yourself:

  • Where did I learn this?

  • Do I still believe this?

  • How does this belief make me feel in my body and relationships?

There’s no need to rush or force anything. Let curiosity be your guide.

2. Connect with Your Body
Our bodies often know the truth before our minds do. Learning to listen to your body, its yes, its no, and its maybe can be a powerful way to reclaim agency. Practices like mindfulness, body scans, or even gentle movement can help you reconnect with what feels right and safe for you.

3. Talk About It
Whether it’s with a therapist, a trusted friend, or your partner, speaking your truth out loud is healing. You don’t have to have all the answers. Simply saying, “I’m trying to understand what I actually want, separate from what I was taught,” is a brave start.

4. Define Your Values
What matters most to you in your intimate life? Is it connection? Safety? Freedom? Playfulness? Tenderness? When you lead with values instead of rules, you begin to build a script that reflects who you truly are, whether your path is queer, straight, fluid, or still unfolding.

5. Give Yourself Permission to Evolve
Our desires and identities are not fixed. They can grow, shift, and change over time. What feels true for you today might look different a year from now. That is not a failure. It is part of being human.

You Deserve a Story That Fits You

There is nothing wrong with wanting to rewrite the script. In fact, it is an act of self-love. You deserve to live a story that is built on your values, shaped by your truth, and centered on your emotional and relational safety.

As you begin to notice and unlearn the old narratives, you may feel grief, relief, or even a bit of fear. All of that is valid. This work is tender, and it takes time.

But on the other side of these scripts is your voice. One that is ready to be heard, affirmed, and celebrated.

If you’re beginning this journey and would like support, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. You can book a consultation online to get started.